A Discussion About Miscarriage

The chance of having a miscarriage is not as rare as people might think – why do you think it’s still not really talked about?

Yes, you’re completely right – miscarriage is unfortunately still very much a taboo topic. Based on my experience I would say that it is a mixture of feeling completely vulnerable and fearful of being judged by others. When we feel vulnerable, the natural move is to retreat into our ‘den’ to sort out those overwhelming feelings of grief and loss. Our social environment can sometimes be very cruel and comments like ‘oh, you’ll get over it’, ‘Just try again’, ‘Next time it will happen’ etc. can really hurt.

Typically, what do your patients who have suffered from a miscarriage want to talk to you about when they see you and why? Is it loss, helplessness, a sense of shame – can you explain so that others may understand the different emotions and maybe draw a comparison or better understanding.

Yes, all of the above amongst other topics too. With a miscarriage, couples can experience the physical loss such as the loss of a baby, foetus or embryo and so called ‘abstract’ loss. The abstract loss can come in many shades: sense of loss of not being able to start a family, of not ‘belonging’ to the baby-parent group of their friends, of not gifting their parents with a grandchild, sense of loss of motherhood and fatherhood etc.

Many of them feel helplessness and loss of confidence in their own body. ‘What’s wrong with my body?’ Is a question I’m often hearing during a session. They don’t trust their body anymore. In addition, they realise that this is out of their control, it’s an area that takes its on faith and they can’t control it. This realisation can be very frightening for those women that like to have control of their life.

And to further add to the complexity, women are master of feeling guilty about everything… They would feel guilty about that cup of coffee they drank or that sip of wine they took at the party, a twist or move that might have been the cause and many other! And then they start blaming themselves about their loss. It can become a very complex ‘cocktail’ of various levels of emotions.

What are the types of comments that you hear from your patients who have suffered from a miscarriage and why?

First of all, they feel very lonely. They might had some closer friends or relatives who were on standby for the first few days or weeks but after some time, life goes on for people. And for those women and men who are still trying to process their loss, it’s really hard and lonely. Each loss is perceived differently, some people can grieve for a couple of days, others need weeks if not months or even years. They would often ask us for how much longer they might continue to grieve and we unfortunately need to tell them that there is no ‘one size fits all’ recipe to it. It takes what it takes.

Additionally, some experience envy of friends being pregnant, others would feel guilty of not being able to congratulate their best friend to the birth of the baby.

‘What’s wrong with my body?’, ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I feel ashamed’, ‘I feel so sad’, ‘My partner doesn’t seem to be affected or care much about this loss’, ‘I have no one to talk to’, ‘I feel lonely’ etc. would be amongst those comments we hear most.

What is the biggest misconception about miscarriage?

the biggest misconception that I’ve seen in our work is to reduce a miscarriage to a ‘small incident’ because it’s simply not. A woman will never forget her loss.

They may process the loss in different ways, but will never forget a loss.

How do their spouses react? What are the typical comments they receive from them and why?

Many partners would feel at loss too. While they are trying to process the loss for themselves, they are trying to comfort their wife at the same time. It hurts them to see their wife suffering physically and emotionally. They might feel at loss on how to help and continue to be that ‘rock in the ocean’. Women and men have a very different way of grieving and processing loss. We can see a lot of conflict situations arising through the experience of loss.